This piece was originally written for the April Fool’s issue of The Muhlenberg Weekly.
5. Prosser and Brown/Walz
The dumpsters outside freshman dorms are the worst of the worst, the lowest of the low. The residents are all on compulsory meal plans, so the garbage is all real garbage: old papers, empty Juul pods, broken dreams. Any food there is processed beyond belief and the atmosphere is tainted by some of the unfriendliest rats I ever met. There is a sizable cockroach colony to compete with for the rats’ leftovers, but for a cash tip, they’ll let you have the next pick of the best local trash.
Overall Rating: 1/10 raccoons
East and ML’s dumpsters are only a slightly better vintage than those of the freshman dorms. The buildings’ inhabitants still can’t cook, but some of them have had the good sense to buy the occasional fruit or vegetable, giving the ensuing aroma a decidedly floral tint. These upperclassmen are also a tad more talented at sorting their garbage, so one is less likely to get a giant mouthful of cardboard when chowing down. If you need some extra texture with your refuse, just reach over to the blue bin for some broken glass, as some residents are old enough to drink!
Overall Rating: 3/10 raccoons
Hottest rats. Really, these rats could, like, get it.
Overall Rating: 5/10 raccoons
2. Seegers Union
This may be controversial, but when you need some good grub, Seegers does NOT have the best dumpsters. Sure, the building houses the most eateries on campus, but it is also a hub of administrative and extracurricular activity, so the local fare is often tainted with ink, which is a decidedly acquired taste. The building is in poor repair, so the moldy ceiling chunks after each architectural collapse do provide some well-needed spice, but this special flair is included so infrequently that it can’t be counted on. The distribution of food scraps and administrative detritus between the multiple dumpsters out back has the added advantage of being uneven across receptacles, so every bite is a fun surprise.
Overall Rating: 8/10 raccoons
1. Life Sports Center
By far, the LSC has the most gastronomically balanced dumpsters on campus. Because people forget about the LSC Cafe, there’s tons of fresh produce to keep you lean and limber. Athletes are truly disgusting, and their locally sourced mildewed socks add a delicious umami funk to the whole affair. However, the ingredients that really push these waste bins to the top of the list are those that come from the Health Center. From the salty tears from the used tissues of the Counseling Services office to the blood-covered and venereal disease-ridden syringes left in tasty biohazard disposal bags, everything is impeccable. If you want to really show your date something special, take them out to a curated night of dumpster diving at the LSC, and I promise you won’t be disappointed.
Overall Rating: 10/10 raccoons